Having friends with kids is a huge responsibility. It’s not for everyone. Maybe you like swearing, and having a child in the room would cut into that. Maybe you have ambitions outside of liking Facebook pictures of wispy-haired toddlers in pumpkin patches. Maybe you’re terrified that your friends will ask you to hold the baby and you won’t know what to do with the head because its neck doesn’t work yet and you’re afraid you’ll kill it.
Many couples choose not to have friends with kids and find fulfilling friendships with like-minded couples who also value disposable income over propagating the human race. Before you decide if having friends with kids is right for you, it’s important to ask yourselves a few questions.
Are you prepared for the personal sacrifice?
Once you have friends with kids, your life is no longer about you. It’s about your friends’ kids. A nonexistent sleep schedule, finicky eating habits, temper tantrums—just a few of the many things that your friends won’t shut up about. If having kids is a full-time job, then having friends with kids is a part-time job where you listen to your friends talk about how having kids is a full-time job. Sow your oats now, because soon your conversations will revolve around things like whether or not the baby likes oats.
On that note, have you talked to your spouse about who will be primarily responsible for talking about your friends’ kids?
With the rise of progressive hashtags like #dadswithbabies, men are pretending to care about children more than ever. Still, the brunt of baby talk usually falls on the woman. Before you commit to friends with kids, decide: will you have a traditional relationship in which the woman talks to the mom about the baby while the man talks to the dad about work? Or will you take a more balanced approach in which you’re both talking about the baby while constantly checking your phone to see if you can leave yet?
Are you O.K. with staying in on a Saturday night?
When your friends have kids, they need to be at home to make sure their kids don’t die. If they go out with you, they need to hire someone else to make sure their kids don’t die. That requires planning. Gone are the days when you could text your friends for a spontaneous night out. Fun is now rigorously regimented. Fun must be planned weeks ahead. Fun ends at ten because they “miss the baby,” or, as you like to tell them after nine beers, they “forgot how to party.”
How will you discipline your friends with kids?
Friends with kids frequently bail on plans and need to be called out. Will you roast them via group text? Make fun of them behind their backs with other childless couples? Tell them to their faces that their little parasite is ruining your friendship? It’s important to present a unified front when throwing shade.
Have you considered what religion your friends’ kids will be?
Christian kids mean a christening and a baptism and a communion. That’s a lot of weekend time. A Jewish kid requires less commitment up top, but, eventually, you’re going to have to write a fat bar- or bat-mitzvah check. You may want to stick to the little heathens raised by your “spiritual but not religious” friends. You won’t have to go to church, but you’ll still get leftover Christmas cookies.
Will you have one set of friends with kids, or more?
As a childless couple, you’ll be told that you can’t fully relate to your friends with kids, so you’ll never be able to fulfill all their social needs. As they’ll constantly remind you, “You’ll never understand until you have kids of your own.” You may end up deciding that the healthiest thing is to have multiple sets of friends with kids so they can keep each other entertained. The only downside is that you’ll have even more people in your life saying, “You’ll never understand until you have kids of your own.”
Are you having friends with kids to save your own relationship?
You might be tempted to take on friends with kids to make your own relationship look better by comparison. “Sure, we fight all the time, but at least we don’t have to watch ‘Frozen’ twice a day!” Let’s be clear: friends with kids will not fill the hole in your relationship. You will have all the same problems, and you’ll have to go to a four-year-old’s birthday party on a Saturday. That’s kids, new parents, and clowns on a Saturday.
All in all, having friends with kids might seem like more trouble than it’s worth—but it can also be a very rewarding experience. Years down the line, when one of your friends’ kids looks up at you and affectionately calls you “Aunt” or “Uncle,” you’ll realize that it was all worth it.
Plus, when they’re older, they can help you move!
From “Hey, U UP? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your Booty Call Into Your Emergency Contact,” by Emily Axford and Brian Murphy, to be published by Abrams.
